Why I will never have long flowing hair

It has always been a dream of mine to have long, shiny, healthy hair that reaches my waist. But that can never be. Every time I come close, the evil devil known as Split Ends attacks, leaving me weak and short haired.
On the bright side, my split ends are amazingly diverse, so no one can blame my head for being prejudiced.

I've observed and categorized them for your convenience.